Within A Kiss
by Sombereyes
Summary: She came back, and fell into the arms of another woman. It was a night that should have never happened, but it did, and it swept her unrelentingly into an undertow of her hearts deepest desires, even though they went unspoken. -A birthday fan fiction.-


A/N: Hey all, there's something a little different planned for today's post. I haven't written a Nana fan fic in a while, but better late than never as they say.

This fan fiction was requested by Vampygurl402. It's intended to be a birthday gift for Arashi Wolf Princess. Her birthday is August 30th. I'm putting this out here a little early because my internet has been spotty at times due to all the rain Michigan has been having this time of year. That being said, I pray this will be a befitting birthday present, and I ask that in the reviews you wish her a happy birthday as well.

Happy Birthday Arashi, I hope you enjoy this.

I do not own NANA….

**Just Stay**

Her colors were black and red. A contrast and total confliction in terms. Caught, almost haphazardly so, between edgy metal piercings and soft kissable lips painted in a red so deep, it seemed crimson against her otherwise pale skin. Nana's voice was like an echo, both a gentle husk, and a melodic timbre that would waft across the common room in a matter-of-fact sort of way. With brown eyes were wise and pained, filled with a distinctly withdrawn sadness that probably wouldn't ever heal, her world was very small. Secluded in both her stubborn willpower, and aloof demeanor. While it was true that she was a small time idol, that was only an outward appearance to speak her mind.

More than that, she was a gothic beauty who unflinchingly etched her life into everything, and everyone she came across.

Maybe that was why even her most basic common sense screamed of how wrong this was. It would do her little good, although her heart retorted that it was the right choice. The conflict warred within her, and she drew in deeply from her cigarette. While a strange sense of confusion clouded over her, she could do no more than down in her mental abyss. She had shared a bed with other women before, this woman particularly, yet this was forbidden ground.

She had never before touched a woman, never the same way that she touched the one innocently laying upon her chest.

The woman in question, with ruddy colored hair, seemed lost in a bliss that could only come from reaching the heavens. Sooner or later, she would end up falling back down to earth, crashing headlong into reality. "If only this lasted forever." Nana said, wondering if she'd been heard at all. "Then we wouldn't have to worry about what comes next." The woman atop her didn't answer, her breathing shallow and comfortable.

With a sigh, Nana shook her head bitterly. _"Hatchiko, you never think that far ahead, do you?"_ The thought bothered her. They were trapped on the godforsaken planet, and, eventually the sun would rise to another day. It dampened her spirits, and he couldn't pull her gaze away from the smoke that twirled from the tip of her cigarette. The air in her lungs was filled with that same toxic poison, and with each exhale, a cloud would linger. The telltale smell of arousal mingled with tobacco, a testament to their sinful night.

This scent was different, bedding down with a woman was an experience unlike one Nana had previously encountered. The feeling was uncanny and entirely unnerving. She didn't mind it, and enjoyed it, but the feelings welling in her chest were not one she had ever become comfortable with. She doubted if she ever would accept them.

"Shit." Nana cursed, once she realized that now that she'd felt this woman's embrace, she would never be able to go on being alone. _"What am I going to do?"_ She shook her head. She brought her free hand up to her forehead grasping at the roots of raven hair. _"What would Ren do?"_ Thinking of his death still bothered her, but, she still turned to him for inspiration in desperate times and situations. _"What the hell would he say about this..."_ Even as she licked her lips, fear tore through her. "Shit..." She swore again as air left her lungs.

Hatchi's pink lip balm had tasted like strawberries. Her hair smelt as free as a morning's crisp rain, and her body was as soft as an oceans kiss, as free as the tides itself. Without thinking, Nana pushed some strawberry blond tresses behind the shell of the woman's ear, wondering idly if such an action would cause the inquisitive woman to wake. Praying beyond all reason that it would, so that she wouldn't have to be alone with her thoughts any longer.

"Nana…" Hatchi murmured sleepily a moment later.

"Hmm?" The woman responded with a choked nervousness, and coughed to grasp some fresh air.

"What if it had been different?" Hatchi asked, almost afraid to look the woman she loved in the eye. "What if I hadn't gotten married, and you hadn't just walked out back then…" The real question Hatchi wanted to ask died in her throat. "Why…" Weakly, she tried to force it anyway, but to no avail.

_Why didn't we just admit it? Why didn't we just stay together? Why didn't we apologize when we had the chance? Why didn't we let go of the past? Why can't we do those things now? Why..._

There were too many questions, and no correct answers. It all seemed like a deep and dangerous undercurrent. Nana doubted she could keep her head above the water, and thus her desires. "If I had stayed…" Nana murmured brokenly, unsure of her answer. "It would have been different, I guess." That, she had to admit. She couldn't guarantee things would have been better, but, events would have played out differently. "If I had thought saying something would help, I would have a long time ago."

"You didn't." Hatchi said, wishing to hear more. "I wanted you to."

"Me too." Nana said softly. "I just couldn't."

"Then, maybe you can say something now." As the other woman said this, she took in the sight of those dainty hands that were always so carefully taken care of, nails painted black. "I'd listen to whatever it is that you feel you need to say." It clashed with pink nail polish that Hatchi favored.

"What would be the point?" It was the question that had buried deep into her mind when she first realized Hatchi was pregnant, when their group of friends were ripped in half by the trials of fame, fortune, and drug abuse. It was that same questioning thought that lingered in every song she wrote after she left, and every passing moment that slipped by, as the rays of the sun edged closer to the horizon. "I suppose, I don't need to say anything."

That wasn't the truth, but it was the nearest thing to a confession Nana was willing to give. Hatchi was still a married woman, with children. It didn't matter that their father wasn't around for them. They still weren't hers to claim, they never had been, and never would be.

"You know that's not true." Hatchi told her, it was an admonishment shared after all this time and hardship. "I've been listening a long time. Your songs say more than you want them to, I think."

"It might as well be that way." Nana replied, unwilling to utter the very words that had always been a sordid pretense for everything she did. "I'm not going to say it." Still, she was in this woman's bed, and had touched what was never hers to begin with. There was something gratifying about that, although it wasn't a truth that would do any good acknowledging out loud. Even speaking the tiniest bit about her feelings confused her, but she knew one thing. "I think you should divorce him."

The woman was usually warm, with a smile that was radiant in its own ways, but the frown that marred her face at the order left nothing to question. "I can't do that." Hatchi said after she took in the depth of the request. "Even if I could without worry, there would be unforeseen repercussions." Then she rolled over, hiding her face in the pillow. "Our marriage isn't really a happy one, but, Takumi and I have an understanding." Then a little shyly, considering that, Hatchi ran her fingertips over the tattoo on Nana's arm. "It's that kind of blindness that allows me to share my bed with you tonight. He'll turn the other cheek, because I do it for him."

"That's a horrible way to think." Nana grumbled unhappily.

"We're good at forgiveness and constant betrayal." Hatchi said in way of an explanation. "I don't expect you, or anyone else, to understand."

"You can't be content like that, can you?" Nana asked, a mere question of curiosity, and little more.

"Could you?" Hatchi returned slowly, lifting her face from its hiding place.

"No." Nana finally sighed after a moment of thought. She drew from her cigarette. "I was never cut out to be a wife." It was with an offhanded and sideways glance that Nana came to that conclusion. She felt unusually lucky for having the mentality that she did, even if it got her into trouble more often than not. "I don't know what love is." She said, snuffing out the embers that still lit the rolling paper. "I don't think I ever took the time to learn."

"I don't believe that." Hatchi laughed. "You show love for others all the time."

"No." Nana murmured darkly. "I don't. I never have. You're so loyal, but, I don't think like that." Hatchi amused her with such blind trust and happiness, so easy going sometimes. It was almost dangerous. "Hatchiko, I don't think I could ever be like you."

"Our marriage is of convenience only, even if we do care for each other on some level. If it is love, it's very twisted." Hatchi sighed. "I've come to realize, I'm a bitch." Then with a self-deprecating smirk, she shook her head. "I don't even think I can say I'm loyal with any sort of confidence. I'm sharing a bed with you, while my husband is overseas. What does that say about me, when I know Layla is warming his bed?"

"You waited for me to come back, didn't you?" Nana shrugged then, a soft smirk playing on her lips. "It figures."

"Nana please try to understand...it wasn't like I wanted to marry him, and I didn't just expect anyone to take care of me. It's just that, I know deep down, I'm not a strong person." Hatchi said with a shake of her head. "But, even more than that, when I found out I was pregnant with my first born, I was afraid." It felt so long ago now, and yet, one thought of her children reminded her that it really wasn't. "I chose the guy with the money, even though I knew it wouldn't work out the way I really wanted it to."

It was hard to admit all of that, knowing that the words would only condemn her. "Don't you see?" Hatchi rubbed away a stray tear that threatened to fall from her eyes. "If I had been a stronger person, I would have raised the baby on my own. I wouldn't have had a second." It was even harder to force a smile. "Still, their father cares for them in his own ways, and that's what keeps me here."

"I knew I shouldn't have let you off your leash." Nana sighed, as she considered that, and the dog collar around her neck. She unclasped it, and pulled the choker off, considering it carefully. "You're stuck for now, I understand that." Nana said slowly, wondering if this was really such a good idea, but, old habits died hard, and old feelings never really went away. "You stay here as long as you need, but, you're mine." It was the only conclusion Nana had ever really come to. "I'll look after you. You won't have to worry about money, and, when you want to leave him, you can. Your kids can come too."

She put the collar around Hatchi's slender neck without thinking too deeply about the implications, or about what she knew the act implied, the unspoken vow went deeper than blood, bone, and their very souls. "I'm not very good with my feelings, they're useless in a lot of ways." Nana admitted as she adjusted the clasp, the metal reflected dimly in the moon light. "I just don't want them to be useless to you too. They tend to weigh people down."

"But, Nana, I've never felt that way." Hatchi said, taking Nana's hands into her own. "I've always felt that with you, those days of my life were the happiest. I finally feel like maybe I can find some of that again. I'm happy now, you're here by my side."

Faith was a feeling that seemed too good to be true, and Nana didn't think too deeply on the subject. She watched the days slowly pass by, standing in the shadows. She cared greatly for the woman of strawberry tresses, even if she refused to announce such a thing. Instead, she stood in the doorways with a casual smile on her face, the same way she used to do back in their shared apartment. Their friends would sit around the table playing cards, and she would let her eyes wander just over the top of her hand to silently scream what she would not say, exactly as she had when they were younger.

Now, she understood the feelings in her heart that were so unclear before.

It wasn't ideal, and there was nothing perfect about the slow drift of time going by, knowing she had missed so much, and knowing she hadn't been strong enough to claim what she knew should have been hers, at least in spirit. Even if she couldn't really claim the woman she loved as her own, even if she could never say those words she desperately wanted to, she could think them, breathe them, and even live them.

Nana nodded, her lips void of the crimson red she often painted onto them. She leaned in close, her breath ghosting across Hatchi's own. "I don't ever want to leave again."

"Then don't." Hatchi murmured, as rolled over onto her back. "That's all you have to do, everything else will work itself out." With contently hooded eyes that were inviting, her cheeks colored with the slightest blush. The caress upon her face was hesitant, as Nana seemed to study her in confusion, a hint of nervousness glimmering in her chocolate brown eyes. "Do you think you can do that?"

A hard swallow, shaken sigh, and forced smile gave way to the torrent of fears best left to rot in her past. "I don't know." She leaded down, leaning over Hatchi, elbows digging into the feather pillows, as her fingers toyed with stray, tussled bangs. "But, I'll try."

"I love you." Hatchi breathed, her words so quiet they dissipated into dim room.

A somewhat shy chuckle was Nana's reply, but the kiss she placed upon strawberry glossed lips spoke of everything she refused to say.


End file.
